No matter how old the children are, when parents divorce, … the child or adult child will blame themselves in the same way that small children do.  The feeling of blame for a parents’ divorce never seem to go away.

.

No matter how old I am now, I feel that my parent’s divorce was my fault. I was six years old when my parents sat me down and told me that it would be best if they lived apart. I still remember the empty feeling. The feeling of where will I live and WHAT did I do to cause this. I have never forgot that feeling.

To this day, I still blame myself and wonder what I did.

.

.

#134, Still Blame Myself

An adult child of divorce shares the lingering effects of divorce.  Notably, her sense of self and the devastating impact of divorce have created what appear to be insecurities that may have not developed without the childhood drama and trauma of her parents divorce.

.

My mom needed to divorce my dad. He had been physically abusive for years. Eventually he committed adultery. While my mother felt totally betrayed, there was a part of her that was glad she finally felt no one could expect her to stay married to him. That was when I was 13.

Now I’m an adult, married with children of my own. My husband is a good man, but the idea of divorce is never far from my thoughts. I’m afraid he will leave me later for a younger woman, solution: divorce. There are times I feel so depressed about myself, and I don’t want to have to drag him down, solution: divorce. There are times I’m so upset with him for not being perfect, solution: divorce. There are times I’m just tired of dealing with all the needs of taking care of a whole other person, along with my children, solution: divorce. My mom has managed to live pretty happily as a single mom.

I know divorce is nowhere near justifiable for me, but I fear that I just don’t have the skills or personality to have a thriving marriage. I look at other aging couples, and see a lot of frustrations and incompatibilities. Can I endure that long? Am I that good of a person?

My only hope is through Christ, that He can change me, heal me. I’m impatient for the day that divorce won’t linger in my thoughts so much. I wonder if this really is because I’m a child of divorce, or if I’m just weak.

I love my husband and my children, and the emotional violence of divorce is repugnant to me. And maybe that is the silver lining, that because I hate what divorce did to me, I don’t want to do that to my children.

.

.

Mariage Ecosystem, No Easy Solution

Link to post: http://www.marriage-ecosystem.org/no-easy-solution.html

#120, No Easy Solution

An adult child of divorce shares the heartache of their parents’ tumultuous divorce.  Sadly, the devastating impact of the UNTRUTHS and the LIES may never truly be realized in ones’ life.

Complicating the matter is the underlying premise that we never know what the back story is for an individual.  

.

Sometimes the biggest lie is the one most often believed . .

..but I guess, if one can reconcile the pain and distinguish the lies from the truth, and not feel the shame or anger that goes along with the process, even the biggest untruths will slip away like grains of sand in the ocean . . .

.

.

#110, Emotional Scars

An adult child of divorce shares the devastation of divorce in their childhood and own marriage.  This confession reveals how divorce is not the way to solve all your problems.  

.

My parents divorced when I was 9…

…and proceeded to continue to fight with one another for my entire childhood and into my adult life.

My own marriage also ended in divorce, and yet the conflict has continued for the past 12 years and is likely to continue at least until the youngest child is out of college.

And then, even when the overt conflict has ceased, the negative impact of divorce remains.

My experiences demonstrate that divorce, billed as a way to solve all your problems, merely exchanges one set of horrible problems for a completely different but equally horrible set of problems.

Note that I’m not referring to divorces that were done in order to end violent, abusive marriages, or marriages that were unsafe or damaging. Obviously, divorce in those situations may be the lesser of two evils. I’m referring to the vast majority of divorces that are done for lesser reasons.

Marriage -Ecosystem:The myth of divorce as the way to solve all your problems, by CTW

Link to post: http://www.marriage-ecosystem.org/the-myth-of-divorce-as-the-way-to-solve-all-your-problems.html

# 100 , Myth of Divorce

Interviews from three adult children of divorce. The last question is “give 6 words to describe yourself as an adult child of divorce. ”   Responses reveal the lingering influence of divorce. 

Adults were under the age of 18 at the time of their parent’s divorce and living with their parents.  

Hortencia, 48
Married for 30 years

1. How old were you when your parents divorced? 

I was 2 ½ years old.

2. What is your strongest memory of your parents’ divorce? 

It became a usual routine to wake up and not see my mother there because she would be working since my father was no longer there to provide for us.

We didn’t grow up as a family we were eventually all separated because my mom would work and father wasn’t there and my siblings and I were sent off to live with aunts. I didn’t really get to know my mother until I was an adolescent when I moved back to live with her.

3. What coping mechanism did you adopt?

I had support from my family—cousins and aunts. Some of them were going through the same situation, so we helped each other out and we never made each other feel any less because of it. I looked to them for support.

4. Do you feel differently about your parents’ divorce now that you are an adult?

Yes. I used to think that my parent’s divorce wasn’t a bad thing and that we were all better off this way. But now that years have passed, I see how it has really affected my mother the most. She never remarried and as she grows older I see how lonely she is and how I would have liked for her to have someone to spend her days with.
I feel guilty that I can’t do more for her.
5. As an adult if you could go back to yourself as a child and tell that child something, what would it be?

It might sound silly but I would tell her that everything will be fine. I would also tell her that dreams do come true. I wanted a family and I now I have what I always wanted.

6. Give me 6 words to describe you as an adult child of a divorce.
NOT A PERSON THAT TRUSTS EASILY

 .

Sara, 38 years old
Married

1. How old were you when your parents divorced?

13 years old

2. What is your strongest memory of your parents’ divorce?

That they finally did it. They did something to stop the fighting.

3. What coping mechanism did you adopt?

4. Do you fell differently about your parents’ divorce now that you are an adult?

Feel the same, happy

5. As an adult if you could go back to yourself as a child and tell that child something, what would it be?

This is going to get better. It will be over soon.

6. Give me six words to describe you as an adult child of divorce.

CAREFUL IN CHOOSING A GOOD HUSBAND

 .

An adult child of divorce shares “How I remember feeling when my parents split.  It honestly felt like the end of my world as I knew it. …..don’t marry and have children with someone you don’t get along with, for example. And when you do get divorced, think of your kids. Don’t tear them in half between you two.

‘Divorce’ by Sailor Midnightstar

Read full commentary by this artist at:

http://www.deviantart.com/art/Divorce-65899889