Divorce Kids

 

Child support! Some divorces become more about the money than the child. A casual picture of two children sitting on a fallen branch is photo-shopped with dollar bills over their faces. One jacket has a heart. The girl has her hands neatly folded indicating this is a nice family? Or, does this show compliance on her part? Did one parent alter this serine family pic? Or, does one child feel their value is associated with financial gain? Perhaps, in family court the primary question should be “What is in the best interest of the child?” not “How much child support?” 

 

Deviant art child money i 2015-06-06 at 11.37.13 AM

 

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Deviant Art, Divorce Kids by Astranomical (sic)

Link to artwork: http://www.deviant art.com/art/Divorce-Kids-125798908 

#488, Divorce Kids.

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Spent College $ on Legal Fees

 

How true this is. The Family Court system is a multi billion-dollar business.  Too many parents liquidate accounts, sell their home and use savings account to fight the battle in the Family Court system. All of this money is spent in order to try and have a relationship with their child or to inhibit the parent-child relationship. Clearly, this money could be better spent on the child!

#472, Spent College $ on Legal Fees

Shared on TimeToPutKidsFirst, Facebook link: https://www.facebook.com/timetoputkidsfirst/

Why Shared Parenting is Best

 

This mom outlines why shared parenting is best for her boys. Explaining her logic in a way many parents may relate. Thankfully for this family, Family Court in her state insisted on equal parenting. Imagine, if she proceeded with her plan.  What would her boys have missed out on? How would this fathers’ life have been impacted without having an open relationship and supportive co-parent?

I did not plan to get divorced. I did not plan to share legal and physical custody of my four children. In fact, in the early days of our divorce, I strongly believed that my then-husband should not evenly share parenting and decision making power with me.

I was wrong. Fortunately, our home state, Wisconsin, has a legal presumption toward shared parenting. Since the year 2000, Wisconsin courts have been legally required to presume joint legal custody  — which gives both parents equal rights to make decisions regarding their children — as in the best interests of the children. Wisconsin family courts are also required to “set a placement schedule that allows the child to have regularly occurring, meaningful periods of physical placement with each parent…that maximizes the amount of time the child may spend with each parent.”

 At the time of our divorce, that presumption didn’t seem fair to me. After all, up until the point of our divorce, I’d been the parent to schedule and take the children to all of their doctor’s appointments. I’d been the parent who researched education, health and parenting information, and the parent who spent the bulk of her time performing childcare. Why should I, the clearly involved parent, be forced share time and decision making power with a man who couldn’t be bothered to be involved when we were married?

That’s what I thought at the time. It’s perhaps obvious, but important to note, that I was hurt, angry and bitter at that point in my life. I never wanted to be a divorced parent, never wanted to “share” my children. I wanted my life to continue as it had been. I wanted my kids’ lives to continue without more disruption than absolutely necessary.

And — full disclosure — I’ll admit that I thought I was the better parent. I knew the boys’ father would continue to be a necessary part of their lives, but in my mind, at that time, he was a necessary but unpleasant obstacle. At times, I wished he’d go away all together.

That was more than five years ago. Since then, our boys have begun their trips through puberty. Since then, I’ve learned more about the role of fathers and the importance of males to adolescent male development. I’ve seen my sons’ need for their father and my point of view has changed. My boys’ dad is not an unpleasant obstacle; he’s an integral part of their lives. My boys are doing well today in large part because their dad is an active part of their lives.

Our was not an amicable divorce. We were upset with one another and we had some pretty serious disagreements about what was in the best interests of our children. There were times — plenty of times! — I wished I had sole legal custody so I could do what was “best” for our children.

I’ve come to realize, though, that it’s best for kids to spend plenty of time with both mom and dad. It’s best if both parents are very involved in day-to-day parenting, and it’s best to put the needs of the kids ahead of the parents’ needs or desires.

I thank the Wisconsin court system for presuming that shared parenting is in the best interest of children, because without that presumption, I’m pretty sure I would have happily assumed the larger portion of parenting and relegated the boys’ dad to a lesser role. And that, I now know, would have been bad for my boys, bad for their dad and bad for me.

Yet shared parenting post-divorce is not the norm in most states.

Here’s what I think: Emotional and physical violence should always been taken seriously, and measures should be put in place to protect children and ex-spouses from violence, threats and intimidation. Everyone who works in the family court system should be required to learn about domestic violence, and should have to document their understanding of the issue. Children should not have to spend time with abusive parents, and ex-spouses should not be required to work with an abusive ex.

Shared parenting bills for equal parenting give judges and families plenty of leeway to create parenting plans that are sensitive to families’ needs. No one is suggesting that children be sent to live with an abuser; the bills contain clauses to restrict parents’ involvement in case of domestic violence, incarceration or even “a pattern of willfully creating conflict.”

Bills now make it easier for children of divorced parents to have access to both parents — something that’s been shown, over and over again, to be good for kids and good for society.

The truth is that divorcing parents don’t always make decisions according to their kids’ best interest. Anger and jealousy and fear often cloud their thinking and color their decisions. In my case, it was the court’s insistence on shared parenting that led to the co-parenting arrangement we have today, and I am so, so glad.

Excerpt from: https://buildingboys.net/is-shared-parenting-best-for-boys-after-divorce/

#456, Why I Decided Shared Parenting is Best

 

 

 

 

A Father’s Story

 

A heart wrenching story of divorce, false allegations and Family Court. This father pours out his heart and soul about his emotions, feelings and experiences during the divorce process and how this impacted the relationship with his children. Will his daughter and son ever know what he went through? What he sacrificed?   Will his children ever realize what they lost out on? That they missed being raised by a caring, loving and responsible father? Probably not.  Once the damage is done-nothing can be done. 

As told by the father:

It’s difficult to summarize 13 years of hell in a short story, especially when you’re past it, you’ve survived, and your heart is at peace knowing you gave it your all.

I married my high school sweetheart.  We fought quite a bit I suppose, but it was what seemed typical amongst our friends at the time.  It wasn’t anything that made me question our commitment to each other especially once we had a child.

At this stage in my life, I honestly don’t remember too much from our relationship.  I actually don’t know the woman, who is the mother of my children.  But, there are 3 memories that will never fade from my memory during that time: the birth of my baby girl, A, the birth of my boy, J, and that frightful day when they were both taken from me.

With no warning signs that I could identify, no reason, and with no explanation, I returned home from work one day, and my family was gone.  I was devastated.  At that time, A was three and J wasn’t even yet one.  I drove to her rent’s that night, but what was once a family who embraced me as their son, suddenly held hate and spite.  To this day, I can’t explain why.

This turned into a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It’s a pain that I don’t think anyone could grasp unless they have experienced it.  People can empathize and try to imagine what it’s like to have their children taken away, but they don’t live the daily agony, the unknowns, the fear, the helplessness, and the heartache.  It’s enough to drive a person crazy, literally.

In addition to having my kids ripped away from me, I ended up losing my home, I faced false allegations of assault, I was called a deadbeat, and I was threatened with jail time if I couldn’t keep up with child support.  I couldn’t take time to grieve.  Even my own family told me to “man up” and deal with it.  I didn’t have any savings.  I wasn’t educated.  I didn’t have family support in the way I felt I needed.  I wanted to be a father.  But, “manning up”, or rather – becoming a paycheck, was the only realistic option I saw.  That is what I considered my personal rock bottom.

This was the late 80s, and at that time, it was already engrained in our culture that physical custody goes to the mom, dad provides financially, and dad is lucky to see the children every other weekend if the mother and a judge so deems appropriate.  Any venting – such as sharing my story like this – would be considered wimpy, whiney or otherwise questioning my masculinity in some way.

The reason I want this story anonymous is because I’m embarrassed, and I don’t want my children to know this, but after they were taken from me, I wasn’t able to feel like a father, or at least as how I envisioned a father to be.  The little time I had with them initially was awkward, uncomfortable, and faced with fear of more false allegations.  Hugs were distant, and “rough housing” and wrestling ended.  I even dreaded disciplining them out of worry it would be used against me.

Our time was precious to me, and I cherished our time, but, sometimes, just spending time with them brought me anxiety.  I prayed that we’d get through the “visit” without any bruises or injuries that could be used against me.  I was always walking on egg shells, in everything I did.

I also, admittedly, feared that my children wouldn’t want to spend time with me, and they did at times call their mom to say they wanted to go “home” because they were bored.  I felt the need to spoil them with gifts, so they’d want to come see me.  After all, I was taking them away from their full time home, bed, toys, and friends, to come to a small apartment I shared with a buddy.  I felt the need to have to do ‘something’ with them, and ‘something’ always translated into something way above my humble means.  And, though, anxious while they were with me, I was then torn to pieces each time they left.  The emptiness and silence in the apartment when they left, brought lonesomeness that I can’t describe.  And then I waited another 2-4 weeks before I could see them again.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster unlike any other.

They grew, and I felt so detached from their lives.  I knew inconsequential things about them, such as their favorite color, meal and their favorite sport, but I didn’t know them – their friends, their feelings, their dreams and goals.

I put the rest of my life on hold for all those years, trying to ignore the depression, in order to support my kids financially and to have some involvement in their lives.  But, nevertheless, I always felt like a failure, not having the ability to be closely involved in their lives, and to be the father I had always wanted to be.  To some extent I thought my life was over and that the pain would never end.  Everyone I knew going through a similar experience, seemed to have accepted their fate.  So, I tried to act that way too.

To my surprise, when A turned 16, she started coming by more often, by her own choice and on her own terms.  She was craving structure, rules and love.  It caught me off guard at first that she wanted to hang out with her dad.  But, that.. THAT was my saving grace.  That helped me to build my confidence as a person, as a man, and most importantly, as a parent.  To this day, I tell her that she saved my life.  And, I truly believe she did.

In my late 40s, fourteen years after my divorce, I finally felt like a father, I started a new career, I started to build my savings, and I purchased my first home.  My own dad said to me at one point ‘it’s about time you grew up and played adult’.  If my own father, who knows all of the details of what I went through, can’t understand the devastation and empathize, then no one else certainly would.  And, so, I’ve remained silent… until now.

I’m a survivor.  A survivor of the family court system that ripped my children away from me, stripped me of my rights, degraded me, insulted me, labeled me a paycheck – and, what is most unforgiveable, taken a caring, loving father from my beautiful children.  I’ve healed.  My children have healed.  And, our bitterness has all faded, replaced by the close bond we now have.  I couldn’t be prouder of my kids.  Ashley is a teacher, and Jaxson is a mechanic.  Life is very good.

I share my story now so people know that those of us who have lived through this are not “OK” with it.  We are not OK with having our children taken away from us, with having our right to parent taken away.  We are not OK with our children suffering.  We are not OK with our children “turning out OK” in spite of their broken childhood.  We want their successful outcome to be the result of a happy and healthy childhood, shared with both sides of their families so they can fully benefit from the great relationship with parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins and to grow painlessly into the adults they were naturally intended to become!  We need to band together to fix this now before our society completely crumbles.

#448, A Fathers Story

The CO$T of Family Court

 

Family Court is EXPENSIVE!  The financial costs of divorce are ghastly!  Some parents have sold their homes, depleted their life savings and 401k plans just to have an opportunity to go to court and FIGHT to have a relationship with their child.   Then there is the emotional cost that the parents and their children will experience!    How much money, time and emotional efforts are spent in Family Court?  How many families are destroyed by the very system that was devised to protect them?

Equal Parenting and the presumption of 50/50 custody could be a game changer in Family Court.  

 Go to: http://www.RateMYFamilyCourt.com

Read all confessions at:  http://sharedparentingconfessional.com

LIKE  http://Facebook.com/sharedparentingconfessional

 

I order that the judge child gavel TPKF m

 

Time TO Put Kids First FB page: https://www.facebook.com/timetoputkidsfirst/?fref=ts

#352, The CO$T of Family Court 

Destroyed by My Ex

 

This father shares a harrowing account of his experience with divorce and the Family Court system.  Seemingly, he is destroyed emotionally, professionally, spiritually.  This father has been stripped of the dignity in being a parent, a professional and a member of society.  The responsibility he demonstrates is abused and unnoticed.  THIS is the impact of decisions in the Family Court room.  

Family Court reform is a MUST!  

The presumption of 50-50 custody is needed.   

False allegations with no repercussions is a major problem.  

Go to: http://www.RateMYFamilyCourt.com

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One father’s experience:

I was married for several years. She had children and we had children together.

I came home from a biz trip. My ex was high and attacked me. This was not the first time she got violent with me. She told the police I was the aggressor, of course they believed her, so I ended up in jail.

It didn’t matter that I have statements from private care-givers and teachers, or a GAL report suggesting that mother should have supervised visits.

She is better at lying then I am at telling the truth-which makes it virtually impossible for me to get full custody of my kids. Unless, of course, I spend more money that I do not have (anymore). She has alienated my step children from me-kids who I loved as if they were my own for years.

So many family vacations,& father/son type trips and now I have zero contact with them. I was forced to pay her Atty, my Atty, GAL. I pay thousands of dollars each month in alimony, CS, and half of all child related expenses. I pay all medical, dental and summer camps. I am asked (extorted) to pay for other random expenses. God help me if I don’t.

My children are told not to listen to me, that I am a bad man, a loser, I do illegal things, I’m dumb, stupid, effin crazy, that I’m gay etc etc.

My kids are told I don’t want to see them when they are with her, or that I am keeping them from there mom when she decides to “allow” me to keep the kids for the summer. She never contacts the kids when with me and blocks me from contacting my kids when they are with her.

My kids are not allowed to tell daddy anything that goes on at mommy’s house. My kids are not allowed to call me, she even told the school not to call me.

I am now known as the wife abusing, drug addicted dead beat husband which has me so comfortable living in the community and my children’s teachers have started to ignore me and/or my requests.

I was accomplished and just started to reap some of the rewards for my many years of very hard work, all of which I had done before getting married.

Before marriage I had my pictures in major newspapers. Now, since that fateful day my mug-shot is online for anyone to see.

During my time with my ex I paid either to her, or for her, over a million dollars.   I have lost my savings.   What’s worse is that I am without the drive I once had. I suffer, I have an amputated spirit and my character has been assassinated.

How does one recover after losing awesome step-children and 1 of my own children? She even tried to take the dog.

Seeing my children slowly turn against me is extremely painful. Watching my children lie to my face is like a dagger thru the heart. I struggle daily at the thought of having to live in this tangled web of BS lies & deceit as I trudge my way thru the family court system as a single dad, which, is biased against fathers to say the least. It’s a nightmare of such epic proportions and way beyond my comprehension. It keeps me in such a deep depression that it’s hard to breath. I can go five days without even getting out of bed. My children have but one childhood and theirs is a crappy one.

Wish I knew what I did to deserve this.

#341, Destroyed by My Ex

 

Would you like to have a voice in the Family Court system? We want to know more about your child custody/child support issues.

Go to: http://www.RateMYFamilyCourt.com

Ashamed

 

One father shares the humiliation he experienced due to false accusations by his ex.  This is the reality for many fathers (and some mothers).  Fathers’ lives are RUINED because of  the lies and games played and the lack of support within the Family Court  system.  

This speaks to the need for Family Court reform.  

Looking back over the past 3 years I can see that I was in a deep state of depression.  I  was ashamed because of the lies and accusations made by my ex.  I was ashamed because I was unable to protect my children from my wife who had ‘mental health problems.

I was falsely accused and labeled as an abuser.  I lost my job.  I had to move into my parents home.  I was labeled as a trouble maker in my county’s courthouse. The self-help division of family court even refused to help me.  The pain and shame I experienced will NEVER leave me.

I am unable to hold my head up high.  I can not live a normal life because of what my ex did.

The pain and shame will stay with me forever!

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#340, Ashamed