This story illuminates the impact of PAS on the child and offers hope to the alienated parent.
Here is the experience shared from an adult child of PAS:
As an alienated daughter I want you to know how much your children love you and have to do the things they do for self preservation. My father passed away last year and I am so grateful for the time we had when we finally reunited. You should know that your children have no idea how to make it right, most of them have no idea what is happening to them and if there was a bond formed then that bond is NEVER broken. It does not matter how toxic and abusive their other parent may be, they will never be able to take away the bond. It is there between you and your child forever. Take a moment and visualize your child then visualize the golden cord of love from your heart connecting into theirs. Visualize you pumping that love from your heart into theirs every day. I do this when my girls are with their dad and it gives me peace and they often say, “I can feel you in my heart when we are apart.” Visualize wrapping your children in a big bubble of unconditional love.
When my father and I reunited at first and for many years we had a terrible time. We were both hurt and angry, confused and often overwhelmed. We blamed and tried to explain and it was a mess. It was not until I had experienced my own divorce and my mother aligning with my ex to try to do the same thing to me, did I start to realize what had happened and then when I met a man who had been fully alienated from his child, that I fully understood what had happened with my father. It was only then that I was able to move to a place of compassion and the resurfacing of our bond. I had to take responsibility for my behavior (That is never easy for anyone) and more importantly my father had to take responsibility for his. It was funny we switched from needing answers from each other to being in a place of just love and acceptance. This is a powerful transition that was challenging but once there was freeing.
I wished that the awareness about alienation was around when I was younger, and I also wish that there were people out there to help. All the therapist were so unqualified to help and had no idea how to help. It is because of my experience of being raised my a toxic mother and being alienated from my father, that I do the work I do today at the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute. Having solved the problem in my own family and preventing the alienation from taking hold of my two children, I wanted to help others do the same. I feel like it is the clearing of the negative energy from my own behaviors as an alienated child. Never give up and do everything you an to stay connected as much a possible even if it is only energetically. I remember one Christmas my mother was on a rant about how horrible my father was and how we were not going to have a Christmas because my father never paid child support and on and on she went. I remember feel horrible and angry at my dad, and then the doorbell rang and it was my father and my grandparents. My dad had made my sister and I bunk beds and my brother a bike. I was so surprised and excited. I will never forget the look on my mothers face. She had to let them in and my dad put our bunk beds together, this was the first night I got to sleep in a bed alone. I was so excited. I did not see my dad much after that a for many years I did not see my dad at all. I heard nothing but horrible things about him and yet I never forgot his efforts to stay connected and be in our lives. That Christmas burned a memory in my mind that allowed me to hold onto the truth I knew in my heart, that my dad did in fact love me, despite what my hateful, scary mother said.
I hope you all find comfort in knowing how much your children love you and want to be with you, don’t listen to the mean words they might say, they are only saying and doing what they feel they must to survive. DON’T GIVE UP….THEY LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO FIGHT FOR THEM. Much love to all of you during this difficult time of year for alienated parents. Find a way to connect with your children. They need you, they want you and most importantly they love you. May you have peace within you so you can bring peace out into the world.